Saying that Muammar Gadhafi “has lost the confidence of his people,” (ya think?) the White House announced “sweeping unilateral sanctions” against the strongman’s regime today. Obama’s press secretary, Jay Carney explained that the following “crippling measures” will go into effect “more or less” immediately:

Gadhafi must refrain from blaming the United States and al Qaeda for the Libyan uprising IN THE SAME SENTENCE. Beginning immediately, the dictator must only accuse one or the other at a time. Carney explained that since left-wing pundits have started to refer to Obama as an “Arabist,” the continued linkage of America and al Qaeda by Gadhafi has become “very problematic” for the president’s relationship with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Gadhafi must immediately cease using fighter jets to conduct air strikes against protesters. The White House warned that “collateral damage” which may be caused by pilots ejecting from their planes (rather than obeying orders to strafe innocent civilians) could endanger the Libyan ecosystem. According to Carney, Libyan jets may still “fly low and scare people” as long as pilots are not ordered to fire their weapons. In a concession to Gadhafi, a maximum of two helicopter gunships may be used per protest, as long as weaponry is limited to machine guns vs. rockets or cluster bombs. Carney indicated that this was a ‘hard-fought compromise,” of which the president is “particularly proud.”

Gadhafi must immediately retract the statement he made to the UN General Assembly: “We are content and happy if Obama can stay forever as president of the United States.” While saying that Gadhafi and Obama “can remain pals “discretely,” Carney explained that the president’s other pals, the Muslim Brotherhood have complained that they find the president’s relationship with Gadhafi “off-putting.”

Gadhafi will no longer be allowed to blow up American airliners. Violation of this sanction will result in a “stern warning” from Obama NOT to do it again, which will come nine days after a “protracted period of international deliberation in an effort to exhaust all other options” before blaming Gadhafi directly.

Carney further warned that if Gadhafi violates these sanctions, Obama would have no other choice than to beg the United Nations and the European Union to say “nana nana boo boo” to the colonel on live television. In a final concession to the Libyan strongman, the press secretary indicated that a grace period of 180 days will allow Muammar to “carefully weigh the gravity of these crippling sanctions” before he stops murdering the people of Libya.

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Categories: Nonsense, Planet Obama

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