by The Rat


Picture this: Four or five Amish men – standing in a row behind another Amish man who is on his knees facing the camera. One of the men reads an Amish manifesto of sorts, when suddenly – another one of the men pulls out a pair of scissors and begins to cut off the hair and beard of the man on his knees – as his comrades subdue the condemned man – until he is completely shorn.

Amish-on-Amish crime; who knew?

 A radical Amish splinter group in Ohio has been ruthlessly attacking its fellow Amish, and cutting off their hair and beards in a savage internecine battle over spiritual differences. No charges have been filed, but several victims have suffered abhorrent injuries. Perhaps razor burn or chafed skin? No word on whether the afflicted men applied aftershave to their gruesome wounds.
According to law enforcement officials, their investigation has been hampered by the Amish Code of Silence, which appears to be holding firm, even in light of these horrific acts of Amish terrorism. 
The splinter cell – Radical Amish Extremists, (RAE), has terrorized at least a half-dozen or more fellow Amish, said an unidentified official close to the case. The attacks occurred over the past three weeks in Carroll, Holmes, Jefferson and Trumbull counties, which form the heart of Ohio’s Amish population.
The joint FBI-CIA task force assigned to the case says the motive may be related to “unspecified religious differences,” involving 18 Amish families, 17 of them related. (Let’s don’t go there.) The crisis has drawn attention from law enforcement officials in the past, including an incident involving a physical threat against a county sheriff. (Andy Taylor?) Members of the families under investigation run a leather shop and do carpentry work, according to a local deputy. (Barney?)
The task force has refused comment on whether it believes the leather and carpentry shops are merely part of a larger front – established to fund the extremists’ purchase of anything that runs with an internal combustion engine, or on electricity. (Batteries not included.)
In response to one of the terrorist acts, a 57-year-old woman blamed her sons and son-in-law for a grisly attack on her husband; “They did that to him,” the anguished woman told law enforcement officials, pointing to her husband’s ragged – and noticeably short – beard. She also claimed that her extremist relatives were involved in a “cult,” which she could not identify, other than to say that members of the “cult” are “clean-shaven.”
As if the law officials weren’t repulsed enough by the vicious attack on her husband, the woman took off her bandana and revealed bare scalp patches, saying: “They did this to me.” One official was so traumatized by the poor woman’s hideous appearance, he asked to be removed from the case on the spot. (It’s unclear whether the official actually saw the woman’s wounds.)
The Rat will keep you up-to-date on the status of this deplorable case as additional news becomes available. Meanwhile, the task force assured him that these violent acts of terrorism are confined exclusively to the Amish, so you should be completely safe shopping in the Amish furniture store of your choice.
Where do the Mennonites fit into this whole thing? Never could figure out THAT shady bunch.
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Categories: Huh?, Humor and Satire, Religion, Seriously, The Decline of America

Tags: , , , , ,

3 replies

  1. Oh, that is rich! I laughed the whole read! Thanks for lifting my spirits even higher than they already were! I just watched Blind Side, cried my eyes out and am now exhausted. Such a GREAT movie & story. Christianity ROCKS!

    Ok, see you- but remember… a day of rest for Rebel & Company! You should try it- as Tony the Tiger would say, “It’s…grrrrrrrrrEAT!

  2. oops, I’m logged in, but somehow my last comment didn’t post as me??? (black helicopters!) Short Little Rebel!

  3. Glad you liked it! Absolutely cracked me up when I read about it.

    LOVED Blind Side, as well. Being a football fanatic, I’ve followed Michael’s career somewhat. Amazing, tender story. Thought Sandra Bullock was awesome in the role.

    See ya back here Monday – bright and early! ;-)

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