GIVEN THE STATE OF PLANET LOONEY TUNES THESE DAYS, WHAT’S NOT POSSIBLE?
It may not be the end of days, America, but who can deny that we live in a crazy world where it seems that wrong is right and right is wrong? From attacks against Christianity and defense of Islam, to Obama’s edicts – the latest of which directs insurance companies to provide free contraception to women, who knows what’s next? A few possibilities:
OBAMA ORDERS GROCERY STORES TO GIVE AWAY FREE BREAD
The Obama Administration announced today that beginning immediately, it is ordering all grocery stores in America to provide free bread to anyone who asks for it. In a prepared statement read from the Rose Garden, President Obama announced the directive, saying:
“Bread is a basic human right that no American should do without. I mean, think about it – apple pie, Chevrolet and Wonder Bread. It doesn’t get any more American. I’ll have to check with Michelle on this, but I believe she even included it on her revised food pyramid.
At any rate, bread has a rich history in America. I cannot stand idly by – with a clear conscience – and watch rich people eat bread in restaurants on Martha’s Vineyard or in Hawaii – knowing that millions of Americans go without bread every day. It is time that every American receives his or her fair share of bread.”
As the president left the podium, Fox News correspondent Ed Henry asked, “Mr. President, is this constitutional?” – to which Obama replied with a smile, “Of course it is, Ed, of course it is.”
AMERICAN ATHEISTS DEMAND THAT FREEDOM FROM RELIGION STOP ‘BEHAVING LIKE A RELIGION’
In a surprise move, American Atheists demanded today that the Freedom from Religion Foundation “cease all comments and activities” which “lead us to believe that the Freedom from Religion Foundation is actually – a religion.”
“Freedom from Religion Foundation adheres to a strict dogma that cannot be proven. This is the essence of faith. Atheists do not believe in things which we cannot prove.
Freedom from Religion’s words and actions infer that they have complete faith in their beliefs – as if they can prove them. As a result, we have no alternative other than to issue this demand.”
Following the conclusion of the spokesman’s statement, a reporter from Media Matters asked, “Huh?”
OBAMA TO PROPOSE 125% GOVERNMENT REBATE ON CHEVY VOLT
The White House announced today that President Obama will submit a bill to Congress this week proposing a 125% rebate on GM’s troubled electric car, the Chevy Volt. The Volt, which has been plagued by battery problems which can cause the car to burst into flames at a moment’s notice, has been highly touted by Obama as an example of GM’s resurgence.
When reminded that GM is already offering to buy back Volts from customers who wish to return them, White House spokesman Jay Carney said, “The President feels that GM’s offer – while generous – doesn’t go far enough to incentivize future Volt purchases. As a result, he determined that by offering a 125% rebate – in essence providing a free Volt to anyone who wants one - the federal government will clearly demonstrate its faith in the future of General Motors.”
Fox News correspondent Ed Henry asked Carney why the president will propose a 125% rebate – instead of 100%. The press secretary said that “President Obama feels people should be rewarded for their time and effort – particulary during this time of economic need. Besides, Ed, November’s right around the corner.”
When asked how the Administration plans to fund the rebate program, Carney replied, “We’re still looking into that, but most likely the money will come from further cuts to the military or NASA.”
MAXINE WATERS WANTS WHITNEY HOUSTON ADDED TO MOUNT RUSHMORE
Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) announced from a bar parking lot in Washington D.C. today that she is beginning a campaign to have Whitney Houston added to Mount Rushmore. Waters, who is no stranger to strange controversy, said: “That fat Republican governor gave me the idea when I heard that he ordered flags to be flown at half-mast in New Jersey on the day of Whitney’s funeral.”
Saying “God told me to take up this cause,” Waters also said she believes the inclusion of Houston on Mount Rushmore was “preordained by God himself.”
“Look at Mount Rushmore. See that empty spot up thereon the right? Who’s that next to? Abraham Lincoln, that’s who! If that don’t tell you Whitney is ‘sposed to be up there, what do?”
When reminded that Houston abused drugs and alcohol – which ultimately led to her death – Waters said, “That’s the beauty of the whole thing. Whitney showed that it ain’t just poor people who do drugs – she did ‘em too – right there with ‘em! Whitney was not afraid to get down with the poor folk in this country like demon Republicans are. Whitney was a saint!”
OBAMA CALLS IRAN’S NUCLEAR ATTACK ON ISRAEL ‘NEXT TO THE LAST STRAW’
In the wake of last week’s nuclear attack on Israel by Iran, President Obama returned from vacation today and promptly issued the following statement from the Rose Garden:
“While we have reason to believe that Iran may have been provoked into action by Israel – and I don’t want to condemn Tehran here – I want to say that the United States is disappointed by the escalation of violence in the Middle East – by all sides.
As the American people know, I have worked tirelessly in issuing hollow warning after hollow warning to my good friend, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But – against my counsel – he decided to go another way. I can respect that. But at the same time – let me warn – this is the next to the last straw. If Iran chooses to attack another country with nuclear weapons – particularly ours – I will not hesitate to consult with Russia and China – and make another series of hollow threats.”
The president left the Rose Garden for a round of golf without taking questions.
ERIC HOLDER SAYS ‘I KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING’
At a Senate hearing today, embattled Attorney General Eric Holder claimed that he knows “absolutely nothing about anything.” Saying, “This is an affliction that I have had since – well – I don’t know.” Holder explained:
While I fully understand the frustration of those on the House panel investigating Fast and Furious who believe I’m a bald faced liar – especially based on the overwhelming amount of evidence that appears to confirm that I am – please understand what I’m saying: I don’t know anything. Zero.
I don’t even know what I had for breakfast this morning; how can you expect me to know anything about my involvement in this gunwalking program you’re telling me about?”
Fox News correspondent Ed Henry later asked Holder to confirm when he first learned of the related murder of a U.S. Border Patrol Agent, to which Holder responded, “Terry who?” A visibly uncomfortable Henry explained, “That’s Agent Brian Terry, sir.” A puzzled Holder replied, “Damn – this is the first time I’ve heard about that – when did it happen?”
When asked if his failure to prosecute the New Black Panthers involved in the Philadelphia voter intimidation case was due to his lack of knowing anything, Holder replied, “I have no knowledge of that case – let alone what might have happened to cause ‘my people’ to behave that way if in fact, they did. I just don’t know.”
Life on Planet Looney Tunes. Amusing – but scary just the same.
Don’t you just bet W’s sittin’ on his porch in Crawford lovin’ every minute of it?