FORMER WORST PRESIDENT THOUGHT HE’D NEVER LIVE TO SEE THIS DAY COME
Are you just messin’ with me? I’m not on Punk’d, am I?
Plains, GA – An ecstatic Jimmy Carter announced today that he was “happier than a pig on an acorn” over no longer being the worst president in our lifetime. Speaking from the porch of his Plains, GA double-wide, America’s 39th president could barely contain his emotions after learning that the monkey on his back had officially packed up and moved to the back of Barack Obama:
“This is a day that quite frankly, I never thought – in my wildest dreams – I’d live to see. I mean, think about it: I screwed up the economy like there was no tomorrow – hyper-inflation, gas lines and so forth – and then I blamed it all on the American people and their ‘malaise’ – I loved that word.
I not only threw the Shah of Iran under the bus, but after Ayatollah Khomeini took over, I let the Iranians make a complete fool out of me for over a year. Hell, I waited more than seven months to try to rescue the hostages – and I screwed that up too. Talk about humiliation – the so-called “students” waited until a few minutes after Ronald Reagan was sworn in to finally release those damn hostages; they couldn’t resist sticking it to me one more time.
I mean, think about it; I was pretty screwy all the way around. Remember when I admitted to Playboy that I had lusted in my heart? Or, that time I claimed that I beat a killer rabbit half to death with an oar? Then, of course, I had to change my story and say that I’d only splashed water at the rabbit so I wouldn’t upset the animal rights lovers.
Seriously, I never thought anyone could…I mean…until now…I just never thought anyone could top all that. This is truly a joyous day for Rosalynn and me – and the people of Plains.”
Carter added in closing: “Now I can focus on visiting additional hostile countries and criticizing America and President – er, pardon me – Governor Romney without having to worry whether people are still laughing at me behind my back.”
The monkey’s new back was unavailable for comment.
I wonder if they checked on the golf course?